tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-67964981836051424202024-03-25T02:09:07.029-04:00Release Counseling and Consulting | Atlanta, GA Licensed Counselor Family TherapistSimone Cox, LPC, NCC, DCC is an Atlanta, GA based Licensed Counselor & Family Therapist offering in-person, phone and virtual consulting for Depression, Anxiety, Parenting issues, Work/Work-life issues and Grief/Loss issues.bloggynesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106504058864741518noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6796498183605142420.post-66165313909774716902017-11-11T09:50:00.000-05:002017-11-11T09:50:45.516-05:00Loneliness<div class="MsoNormal">
Loneliness is often a word that is overlooked. In my experience, people will self-diagnose
themselves as being depressed when what they are is lonely. Depression is a clinical mental health mood
disorder that should not be taken likely yet the word is used very flippantly
and many do not realize what they are actually saying when they say they have
it. Loneliness is different.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What does loneliness feel like? Some would say even in a room full of people
they feel totally alone. Others might
say they don’t have anyone in which they can trust their deep feelings. Yet others might say it feels like no one
really cares. With the onslaught of
social media connections, you might wonder why anyone would feel lonely. Social media is exactly that “social”. There is very limited “personal” in “social
media”. Participants share what they
want to share and can garner hundreds if not thousands of
friends/followers. Although they may
have hundreds of friends and/or followers, none of those people may be someone they
feel can be trusted. Perhaps you can
relate to this.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Loneliness can also occur within families and
relationships. Let’s first talk about
relationships. We are busy people. So busy that we do not find time to really
connect beyond a superficial level. Have
you been at home with your partner and spent practically the whole day and not
said more than 100 words to each other?
Sometimes couples/friends hang out or share space and time and never
truly connect with each other.
Conversations are minimal. One or
the other seems to be preoccupied with his/her technology. Still others may be unavailable for and to
you but very available for others. This
might also include spending limited time with you and not effectively
communicating with you about events in your everyday lives. Yet if asked, they would say your
relationship is ‘great’. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Families may be used to seeing you as “the strong one”. This seems to be where they have parked you
and any demonstration of emotion or less than what they deem “strong” prompts a
comment something like this “Don’t worry you are always the strong one”. As a result, we feel like they are not
interested or won’t understand or being emotional is equivalent to weakness and
we shut down which compounds the loneliness.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There may be others in your life in which everything is
always about them. They don’t call to
check on you – unless they want to talk about themselves. They may ask how you are doing and listen to
you for a couple of minutes but then the conversation seems to always switch to
them. Sound like anyone you know? <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Having other emotions and feeling lonely does not make you
weak. It makes you human! You have the right to be heard. Contact us at Release Counseling and
Consulting, we are eager to “hear from you”.<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791055801951781552noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6796498183605142420.post-26323263209449055842017-01-05T16:20:00.000-05:002017-11-11T09:53:13.171-05:00Time....tick tock<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="font-size: 22.0pt; line-height: 107%;">31,536,000</span> – </i></b><b><i><span style="font-size: 20.0pt; line-height: 107%;">525,600</span> – </i></b><b><i><span style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 107%;">8760</span> – </i></b><b><i><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">365</span> – </i></b><b><i><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">52</span> – </i></b><b><i><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">12</span><o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
If I were to give you 31,536,000 of something valuable, would
you be excited? Would you think you
would have plenty? Would you think you
could casually discard some of it because there was more where that came
from? Would you openly share it thinking
there was more than enough to cover you?
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Now, what if I told you I would give you 1 of something
valuable…would your perspective of how much you had be drastically
altered? Would you want to cherish the 1
thing and not take it for granted? Would
you want to share it?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">31,536,000 or 1<i>??????</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Thirty one million, five hundred thirty six thousand seconds
are in 1 year (approximately). When looking at the former, it seems like more
than enough but when we alter the interpretation of the time to 1 it
drastically changes. Would you
agree? All of a sudden 1 year does not
seem like quite so much after all. If
sold on the stock market, time would hardly be considered a blue chip stock –
one known to be stable with a history of consistent returns.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
So often we take time for granted. We act as if our allotment has been shorted
an hour or two or three. It can seem
like we never have enough time to accomplish what we set out to do. Interestingly enough, time is one thing that
is equally distributed to everyone across all age groups, sexes, abilities and
socioeconomic statuses. Every day we all
receive the exact same amount of time.
It is what we choose to do with it that separates those deemed
“successful” from those who are not. We
blame ‘time’ for our disappointments and shortcomings. We say “I did not have enough time”, “I ran
out of time” or “Time got away from me” as if it were a puppy that ran
away. Sadly, we cannot hand out posters
asking for recovery and return of “time”.
The truth is that everyone manages their time in accordance with what is
important to him/her.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
What is done with your daily dose of time is up to you. Will you let someone ‘steal’ it from
you? One way to control your daily dose
is by making sure you don’t waste it or spend it on the wrong thing or dare I
say the wrong person. Are you focusing
on the past or things that you have no control over? Are you expending energy on things that are
not going to yield a positive return in your life nor get you closer to your
dreams? Are you casually existing on the
sidelines making excuses for nonchalant or unmotivated behavior by watching
others live their lives? Consider how
much time is wasted watching others do things we would like to do
ourselves. What is stopping you? Is it that you feel you don’t have
time….contrarily, you have plenty of time.
It probably took you about 2.5 seconds to say or think “I don’t have
time”. This leaves you over 31 million
seconds left. What are you going to do
with them?<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791055801951781552noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6796498183605142420.post-79870848111293677442016-01-30T21:10:00.001-05:002016-05-23T12:41:01.912-04:00Emotionally Intelligent LoveIn a society that values cognitive intelligence and rationality, we’re told to “do what makes sense” and “be practical.” But this advice is often interspersed with confusing messages about “following your heart.” <br />
<br />
In dating, although we’re taught the abstract concept that love conquers all, we’re also encouraged to <a href="http://www.mindbodygreen.com/course/how-to-find-true-love-in-a-world-of-tinder-texting?utm_source=MBG&utm_medium=CApost53" target="_blank">find a partner</a> who has assets — physical, fiscal, and material. <br />
But if we spend too much time looking for someone who's perfect on paper, we’re setting ourselves up for failure. Of course, if we let our hearts get the best of us through the dating process, we set ourselves up for failure too. <br />
<br />
So how do we find an appropriate balance between rationality and emotionality? By using emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is essentially the ability to notice, identify, and regulate emotions. <br />
An emotionally intelligent person can recognize what they’re feeling emotionally and sit with those feelings long enough to respond to them mindfully — as opposed to suppressing them or reacting to them impulsively. Emotionally intelligent people are also empathically attuned, meaning they can put themselves in others’ shoes and imagine what another might be feeling. <br />
<br />
Emotional intelligence is truly the most valuable skill you can have, both in the dating (and rejection!) process and in relationships. Here’s why: <br />
<h3>
1. Emotional intelligence leads to healthy attractions.</h3>
When we’re guided by our heart and don’t distinguish between anxiety, lust, infatuation, and desire, our physical attractions can lead us to unhealthy relationships. When we’re <a href="http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-22928/i-dated-like-it-was-my-job-for-three-years-heres-what-it-taught-me-about-findin.html" target="_blank">guided solely by our head</a> and turn off our heart, we risk dating people who are great on paper but unable to connect with us emotionally. But when we have emotional intelligence that allows us to follow our hearts but vet with our minds, we’re far more likely to seek out (and maintain) fulfilling relationships. <br />
<h3>
2. Emotional intelligence is important for reacting intentionally.</h3>
That text you wish you didn’t send? That fight that quickly escalated? That fear of being abandoned that stems from your upbringing or past relationships? Emotions drive the most connecting and destructive encounters in a relationship. Knowing how to sit with these emotions and react to them appropriately is your most valuable skill in a budding relationship (and in life!). <br />
One way to do this is through practicing refraining and self-compassion. Like you’re trying not to scratch an itch, resist the urge to react impulsively. Easier said than done, I know. A trick I use is to envision actually making space for emotion as it comes — I imagine that it is expanding in a contained bubble outside of me. Then, I practice self-compassion by empathizing with myself and saying internally what I might say to a friend in the same situation. For example, <i>It makes sense you’re feeling pissed off right now! You’re totally allowed to feel this way. Anyone else in your shoes would. Still, what’s a more serving reaction, here? Keying his car or going to a friends’, sleeping on it, and re-evaluating in the morning?</i> <br />
<h3>
3. Emotional intelligence will help you deal with rejection.</h3>
In order to date successfully, you have to be open to rejection. If you fear rejection to the point of avoiding it, you won’t put yourself out there. You'll impulsively delete all your apps after a first date doesn't call you back. In order to be open to rejection, you must be able to cope with your emotions mindfully and with self-compassion. <a href="http://www.mindbodygreen.com/course/how-to-find-true-love-in-a-world-of-tinder-texting?utm_source=MBG&utm_medium=CApost53" target="_blank">My latest course</a> will walk you through how to do so. <br />
<h3>
4. Emotional intelligence will make you a more supportive partner.</h3>
Whether you've been in a relationship with someone for a few dates or a few years, emotional intelligence is essential to being a supportive partner. Why, you ask? You need to have the ability to empathize. You should essentially be able to stand in your partner’s shoes and understand what they’re feeling. So, instead of responding to an argument with something like, “You shouldn’t be upset about this,” try saying something like, “I can understand why you’d be feeling hurt.” This will make your partner feel heard and validated, which in turn will strengthen the communication you two share. <br />
If you don’t identify as emotionally intelligent, fear not: Strengthening the emotional intelligence muscles isn’t much different from strengthening the biceps. Only, rather than doing so at a gym, you can do so using therapy, meditation, yoga, and mindfulness. So get looking inside and trust that familiarizing yourself with your feelings will make you a much better dater and partner!<br />
<br />
by <a href="http://www.mindbodygreen.com/wc/megan-bruneau">Megan Bruneau</a><span class="date">, January 28, 2016 5:00 AM</span> at http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23412/how-to-be-emotionally-intelligent-about-finding-true-love.html Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791055801951781552noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6796498183605142420.post-67170235908891804142016-01-11T19:35:00.003-05:002016-01-11T19:41:38.140-05:00Answer These 40 Questions Before MarriageIf you’re single and you want a partner, you’ve probably spent a lot of time thinking about what you want — mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Are they different? Getting clear on what you want is vital in manifesting your beloved. <br />
Since we attract people who have equal levels of self-abandonment or self-love to our own, it's essential that we embody the qualities we want in a partner. These seven areas are crucial to consider when it comes to identifying the best partner for you — and making sure you have them, too. <br />
<h3>
Character</h3>
<ol>
<li>Do you want a partner who is open to learning about themselves and about you as well as open to learning in conflict and when their fears are triggered? I have found this to be an absolutely essential ingredient in creating a loving relationship.</li>
<li>Do you want a partner who is interested in personal and spiritual growth, who shares his or her feelings and is available to receiving help with relationship problems? All relationships experience some problems, and being open to receiving help can often make the difference between staying together or ending the relationship.</li>
<li>Do you want a partner who is kind, caring, compassionate, capable of empathy, honest, reliable, and trustworthy, and who has integrity?</li>
<li>Do you want a partner who is basically happy with his or her life?</li>
<li>Do you want a partner with a good sense of humor, who laughs easily and is fun to be with? </li>
<li>Do you want a partner who is close to family members and who has close friends?</li>
<li>Do you want a partner who is motivated, self-disciplined, competent, and a hard worker?</li>
<li>Do you want to be with someone who has a passion for life?</li>
</ol>
<h3>
Physical Appearance</h3>
While looks don't form the basis of a loving relationship, we need to basically enjoy the way the person looks. <br />
9. Do you care how tall the person is?<br />
10. What’s important to you in terms of weight and/or fitness level?<br />
11. Do you prefer someone well-groomed or a more rugged look? <br />
<h3>
Education and Intellect</h3>
We each have the right to decide what we want, so it's important to get clear on it and pursue it with confidence. <br />
12. Is connecting at a common level of intelligence and academic learning important to you?<br />
13. Is it okay for someone to be a high school graduate, a graduate of a tech school, or be self-educated?<br />
14. Is it essential to you that your partner have a college or graduate degree? <br />
<h3>
Lifestyle</h3>
15. Do you want a partner who wants kids?<br />
16. Do you want to live in a spacious house or a compact apartment or condo?<br />
17. Would you prefer to live in a rural area or a highly populated city?<br />
18. Can you live with someone messy? How about someone neat? I can't tell you how many couples I've worked with find this a huge problem.<br />
19. Do you want to be with someone who can (and likes to) cook?<br />
20. Is it important that your partner have mechanical know-how and the ability to fix things?<br />
21. Do you need a partner who can take care of a home and all that that might entail — like shopping for food and clothing?<br />
22. Is it important that your partner be health-oriented?<br />
23. What about eating organically, being a vegetarian, vegan, following a raw diet, or Paleo?<br />
24. Do you want a partner who works out or who is athletic and enjoys outdoor sports?<br />
25. Do you want your partner to earn as much as you do or more or less than you do? Is financial success important to you?<br />
26. Do you want a partner who is passionate about their work?<br />
27. Is it important that you see value in your partner’s work?<br />
<h3>
Values</h3>
28. Are you pro-choice or pro-life? Is a disagreement on that a deal breaker? What about birth control, guns, and hunting?<br />
29. Are politics important to you? Does your partner need to identify as liberal, conservative, independent, or apolitical?<br />
30. Do you want to be in a traditional, monogamous relationship, an ethically nonmonogamous relationship, or an open relationship?<br />
31. Does your partner need to share your religion? If so, do you also need to share the same level of devotion?<br />
32. If not religious, does your partner need to be spiritual? If so, what kind of spirituality? Is it okay if they are agnostic or atheist?<br />
33. Do they need to love animals? Do they need to be a dog person, a cat person and/or a horse person?<br />
34. Is it important to you that they care about the environment?<br />
35. Do you want a partner who donates to charities? Do you prefer to save or spend?<br />
36. Do you want a partner who is a professional, a businessperson, or someone in a creative field? Would you prefer a partner who made a living doing manual labor? Would you consider living on a farm or ranch? <br />
<h3>
Substance Use</h3>
We each have the right to decide what is okay or not okay for us. <br />
37. Is it okay or not okay with you for someone to smoke?<br />
38. Is it okay to drink moderately or heavily, or it is important to you that your partner not drink at all?<br />
39. Is marijuana use acceptable or not?<br />
40. What about the use of recreational drugs or prescription drugs? <br />
This is certainly not a conclusive list, and, since we all have some baggage, you won't necessarily find everything you want in one person. It's important, however, to explore your feelings, desires, and priorities. I suggest you make your own lists of what you want and don't want in a relationship. Clarity is essential for manifestation! <br />
<br />
Adapted from "Don't Get Married Until You Can Answer These 40 Questions" by <a href="http://www.mindbodygreen.com/wc/margaret-paul">Margaret Paul</a> on mindbodygreen.com (January 11, 2016)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791055801951781552noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6796498183605142420.post-69668172990936469822015-11-17T16:08:00.000-05:002017-11-11T09:53:43.329-05:00Saw it, Told Grandma, Got it!Saw it, Liked it, Told Grandma, Got It!<br />
<br />
I saw that saying on a sign in an office yesterday. I thought of a time my son was observing me play with my granddaughter. He asked "Would you go and bring back my real mom?" It was funny then and now. He was referring to the way that parents often transform when they become grandparents. The "transformation" is hard to understand until it happens to you. In considering my role, I thought of the type of grandmother (Nani) I want them enjoy and remember for years to come. I knew a few things like I would not be the apron wearing baking type of grandma or what some know as "Big Momma". There is nothing wrong with either of those. However, I don't bake and am not that domesticated. I settled on being a Nani who helped them perfect good manners, to be kind to others, to be patient, to be honest and always be true to themselves. Of course, there was also the fine dining, clearance and shoe shopping....but that's another blog!<br />
<br />
I thought of growing up with my grandmothers and how different they were. Reflecting on them helped me to focus more on what being a good Nani means to me. I do not want to overstep my boundaries and interfere or contradict my son and daughter-in-love's parenting in any way. In fact, I want to support them unconditionally. After all, I am grateful to them for my little princess (Amani) and my misters (Levi & Lyrik). Likewise, I want to assist them in any way I can. <br />
<br />
Ultimately, I want my son and grandchildren to really know, understand, learn from and enjoy me. I want them to know I love them in ways they can't even imagine. I want them to learn how to be supportive of their family while still nurturing their own interests. I want them to learn how to love themselves as well as others. I want them to enjoy the life that has been bestowed to them. Yes, sometimes that does mean "saw it, liked it, told Nani, got it!".Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791055801951781552noreply@blogger.com31tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6796498183605142420.post-53139849359916589242015-11-12T16:14:00.000-05:002017-11-11T09:54:02.725-05:00Unexpected Observation<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I patiently sat there waiting to hear my name.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Undergoing an annual mammogram is something that I have accepted as part of aging gracefully.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked around the room vaguely listening to the chatter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I observed an Asian woman of about 45 years of age.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had brought someone with her as an interpreter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Caucasian women seemingly ranged in age from around 40 to perhaps 70 or so.<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span>Everyone smiled pleasantly as they engaged in conversation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There did not seem to be any anxiety associated with the screening we were all there to receive. Regardless of our socioeconomic statuses, professions, or life issues – we were all concerned about our health.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were all there taking a preventative measure to insure our breast health.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
It occurred to me that illness, specifically breast cancer, is not exclusive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It does not just affect the wealthy or the poor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It does not care if one is male or female, African American, Caucasian, Hispanic or Asian.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It does not care what type of family one has.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Although we are all different in so many ways, our similarity was obvious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each woman was beautiful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was touched to see such different women seemingly interested in the same thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">.. </span><u><b><i>Living</i></b></u>.bloggynesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106504058864741518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6796498183605142420.post-12455584117191556252015-10-28T16:44:00.006-04:002015-11-12T10:44:32.297-05:00How I Saved My MarriageMy oldest daughter, Jenna, recently said to me, "My greatest fear as a child was that you and mom would get divorced. Then, when I was twelve, I decided that you fought so much that maybe it would be better if you did." Then she added with a smile. "I'm glad you guys figured things out."<br />
<br />
For years my wife Keri and I struggled. Looking back, I'm not exactly sure what initially drew us together, but our personalities didn't quite match up. And the longer we were married the more extreme the differences seemed. Encountering "fame and fortune" didn't make our marriage any easier. In fact, it exacerbated our problems. The tension between us got so bad that going out on book tour became a relief, though it seems we always paid for it on re-entry.<br />
<br />
Our fighting became so constant that it was difficult to even imagine a peaceful relationship. We became perpetually defensive, building emotional fortresses around our hearts. We were on the edge of divorce and more than once we discussed it.<br />
<br />
I was on book tour when things came to a head. We had just had another big fight on the phone and Keri had hung up on me. I was alone and lonely, frustrated and angry. I had reached my limit. <br />
That's when I turned to God. Or turned on God. I don't know if you could call it prayer -- maybe shouting at God isn't prayer, maybe it is-but whatever I was engaged in I'll never forget it. I was standing in the shower of the Buckhead, Atlanta Ritz-Carlton yelling at God that marriage was wrong and I couldn't do it anymore. As much as I hated the idea of divorce, the pain of being together was just too much. I was also confused. I couldn't figure out why marriage with Keri was so hard.<br />
<br />
Deep down I knew that Keri was a good person. And I was a good person. So why couldn't we get along? Why had I married someone so different than me? Why wouldn't she change?<br />
<br />
Finally, hoarse and broken, I sat down in the shower and began to cry. In the depths of my despair powerful inspiration came to me. You can't change her, Rick. You can only change yourself. At that moment I began to pray. If I can't change her, God, then change me. I prayed late into the night. I prayed the next day on the flight home. I prayed as I walked in the door to a cold wife who barely even acknowledged me. That night, as we lay in our bed, inches from each other yet miles apart, the inspiration came. I knew what I had to do. <br />
<br />
The next morning I rolled over in bed next to Keri and asked, "How can I make your day better?"<br />
<br />
Keri looked at me angrily. "What?"<br />
<br />
"How can I make your day better?"<br />
<br />
"You can't," she said. "Why are you asking that?"<br />
<br />
"Because I mean it," I said. "I just want to know what I can do to make your day better.<br />
<br />
"She looked at me cynically. <br />
<br />
"You want to do something? Go clean the kitchen.<br />
<br />
"She likely expected me to get mad. Instead I just nodded. "Okay." <br />
<br />
I got up and cleaned the kitchen.<br />
<br />
The next day I asked the same thing. "What can I do to make your day better?"<br />
<br />
Her eyes narrowed. "Clean the garage."<br />
<br />
I took a deep breath. I already had a busy day and I knew she had made the request in spite. I was tempted to blow up at her. <br />
<br />
Instead I said, "Okay." I got up and for the next two hours cleaned the garage. Keri wasn't sure what to think.The next morning came. <br />
<br />
"What can I do to make your day better?"<br />
<br />
"Nothing!" she said. "You can't do anything. Please stop saying that.""I'm sorry," I said. "But I can't.<br />
I made a commitment to myself. What can I do to make your day better?""Why are you doing this?""Because I care about you," I said. <br />
<br />
"And our marriage."The next morning I asked again. And the next. And the next. Then, during the second week, a miracle occurred. As I asked the question Keri's eyes welled up with tears. Then she broke down crying. When she could speak she said, "Please stop asking me that. You're not the problem. I am. I'm hard to live with. I don't know why you stay with me.<br />
<br />
"I gently lifted her chin until she was looking in my eyes. "It's because I love you," I said. "What can I do to make your day better?""I should be asking you that.""You should," I said. "But not now. Right now, I need to be the change. You need to know how much you mean to me."She put her head against my chest. "I'm sorry I've been so mean.""I love you," I said."I love you," she replied."What can I do to make your day better?"She looked at me sweetly. "Can we maybe just spend some time together?"I smiled. "I'd like that."I continued asking for more than a month. And things did change.<br />
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The fighting stopped. Then Keri began asking, "What do you need from me? How can I be a better wife?"<br />
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The walls between us fell. We began having meaningful discussions on what we wanted from life and how we could make each other happier. No, we didn't solve all our problems. I can't even say that we never fought again. But the nature of our fights changed. Not only were they becoming more and more rare, they lacked the energy they'd once had. We'd deprived them of oxygen. We just didn't have it in us to hurt each other anymore.<br />
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Keri and I have now been married for more than thirty years. I not only love my wife, I like her. I like being with her. I crave her. I need her. Many of our differences have become strengths and the others don't really matter. We've learned how to take care of each other and, more importantly, we've gained the desire to do so. Marriage is hard. But so is parenthood and keeping fit and writing books and everything else important and worthwhile in my life. To have a partner in life is a remarkable gift. I've also learned that the institution of marriage can help heal us of our most unlovable parts. And we all have unlovable parts.<br />
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Through time I've learned that our experience was an illustration of a much larger lesson about marriage. The question everyone in a committed relationship should ask their significant other is, "What can I do to make your life better?" That is love. Romance novels (and I've written a few) are all about desire and happily-ever-after, but happily-ever-after doesn't come from desire-at least not the kind portrayed in most pulp romances. Real love is not to desire a person, but to truly desire their happiness-sometimes, even, at the expense of our own happiness. Real love is not to make another person a carbon copy of one's self. It is to expand our own capabilities of tolerance and caring, to actively seek another's well being. All else is simply a charade of self-interest.<br />
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I'm not saying that what happened to Keri and me will work for everyone. I'm not even claiming that all marriages should be saved. But for me, I am incredibly grateful for the inspiration that came to me that day so long ago. I'm grateful that my family is still intact and that I still have my wife, my best friend, in bed next to me when I wake in the morning. And I'm grateful that even now, decades later, every now and then, one of us will still roll over and say, "What can I do to make your day better." Being on either side of that question is something worth waking up for.<br />
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<em>This blog post originally appeared on Richard Paul Evan's (Author) <a href="http://www.richardpaulevans.com/saved-marriage/" target="_hplink">website. </a></em>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791055801951781552noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6796498183605142420.post-81137632643450551382015-10-01T10:11:00.000-04:002015-11-12T10:44:59.056-05:00The Fight<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Mayweather vs. Pacquiao was touted as the fight of the century. Some felt it was uneventful and predictable. Yet, others felt it was a “good fight”. How many times have you felt like you were in “the fight of the year or your life”? When we are in the midst of a bout it seems never ending.<br />
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Sometimes one thing happens right after the other and we feel like throwing in the towel. Some of us wish we could just be knocked out due to the extremity of the discomfort or pain. There is always an end. In the boxing match there were 12 rounds. In the beginning of round one there is no way to know what will happen by the twelfth round. We have to keep fighting. In between rounds we may get a short breather to nurse our wounds and determine how to continue fighting. <br />
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One things guaranteed and that is the next round is coming. We may be wearier and less attractive or desirable and have cuts and bruises. At times we may even be unrecognizable but the fight continues. As we fight, we are strategizing, learning our opponent and discovering just how resilient and strong we are. At times, we surprise ourselves with our own persistence and stamina. <br />
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As in the Mayweather vs. Pacquiao fight, the end came. The fighters were battered and bruised but they still received their reward (millions!). Our rewards may not be monetarily lucrative but may be educational, spiritual, or physical. After putting forth our best effort, in one way or another, we are stronger in the end. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com28tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6796498183605142420.post-32076731886162221792015-10-01T10:10:00.001-04:002015-11-12T10:45:04.558-05:00Happiness<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Do you find yourself wondering “What happened?” or “How did my life end up like this?” These questions can arise when we find ourselves in transition. Transitions often lead to questioning if you are happy with your life. How you define happiness will determine the answer. If you are in the midst of a transition, your answers may be influenced by your current situation. Whether our finances, careers or relationships are where we would like them to be can make us evaluate our successes. Many of us base our level of happiness on societal definitions.<br />
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Happiness begins internally and should be sought despite environmental influences. Our happiness is determined by what we view as giving us peace and/or pleasure. This can be our accomplishments or successes but can also be our responses to failures. How? Our ability to overcome adversity and persevere can show us our strengths and give us insight as to who we really are. We often try to go it alone but actively seeking help from others is a sign of wisdom. The knowledge of others can provide insight to new perspectives. It is our choices from alternatives that influence our view of happiness.</div>
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